Dear Haters, How About A Drinking Game?
Monday, February 8, 2010 at 10:30AM
Sean Genovese in Alyssa, First Year, Kaitlyn, One

Dear Haters,

I've held off on the updates lately because I desperately did not want to give you the fodder you so love. But alas, I cannot hold back any longer. Without further ado, here's the status of life in the Genovese household with two under two.
Nobody in my house sleeps. Not even the dog.
We made the decision a couple weeks ago to take away Kaitlyn's goo (i.e., pacifier, binky, dummy tit). The Internet gods warned us of "3-5 nights" of screaming fits. They were dead wrong. On a good night we keep it down to about five minutes. This is week three. On top of that, the precious toddler has definitely begun her terrible two's, which is most apparent at bedtime--with or without a goo. The routine usually goes something like this:
  1. Child makes the rounds through the house, kissing everyone from Mommy to the doggy good night.
  2. Walk upstairs to child's room. Daddy (or mommy) coaxes her into bed while she asks to be held. "No, I can't hold you, but put your head down and...
  3. we'll read 'Moon'". "Okay" she says forlornly.

  4. Read "Good Night, Moon". Point to the red balloon, the phone, the comb like daddy's, and the mouse. Giggle at the old woman whispering "hush".
  5. Child asks to read Barney. Parent says no.
  6. Child asks for milk. Parent allows "just a sip", striking a bargain with her as long as she stays in her bed.
  7. By the time parent returns upstairs with milk, child is out of bed. Repeat step two.
  8. I'll let you drink some milk. Child pretends to sip on milk cup. Parent takes milk away, kisses child good night. Child whimpers and asks for "box".
  9. Parent winds up Beauty and the Beast music box. Child exclaims "I DO IT!". Parent lets child flip music box "on".
  10. Parent makes deal with child to stay in bed. Reminds child that she has her pillow, kitty, big bear, other bear, and blankie. Parent tucks child in firmly, kissing her on the head.
  11. Child begins to cry, pleading for a hug. Parent's heart melts, gives child hug.
  12. Child won't let go, asks to "hold" while fighting back tears. Repeat step two.
  13. You'll get a mint in the morning, but you have to stay in bed. Child whimpers "OK".
  14. Parent moves toward door. Child asks for "Moon". Parent thinks this sounds familiar, continues out door, latching it closed on the way out.
  15. Child wails, gets out of bed, lays on floor behind door and continues screaming until she falls asleep.
With child #1 in bed, it's time for the rest of the household to turn in for the night. Baby Kaitlyn slept through the night as soon as she came home from the hospital. Baby Alyssa parties all night long. Her routine goes like this:
  1. Child cries. Parent changes diaper, swaddles child, makes bottle, feeds child.
  2. Parent burps child.
  3. Child appears to be asleep. Parent puts child in bassinet.
  4. Child spits up...everywhere. Burp cloth is on rocking chair.
  5. Parent curses.
  6. Parent changes child's clothes, re-swaddles, sits in chair to lull child back to sleep
  7. Repeat step 3.
  8. Parent crawls into bed slowly, stops. Child still asleep.
  9. Parent pulls up covers, stops. Child still asleep.
  10. Parent lays head on pillow, closes eyes.
  11. Repeat step 5, then go to step 1 and proceed.
I suppose if we live streamed this choreography on the Internet it could make for a fun drinking game. Every time you hear a child cry, drink. Every time a parent curses, make someone else drink. Poopy diaper? Take a shot. Whoever is not drunk by the end of the game gets to babysit tomorrow.
Now, where did I set my drink...
Article originally appeared on The Road Scholars (http://www.theroadscholars.com/).
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